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Pain in the Neck

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(no subject) [Feb. 20th, 2007|07:40 pm]
Pain in the Neck

eleanor_ramilly
Hot bath and Fioricet x2, no help. Chris had the nerve to ask me "what I did" to bring it on. I did not rip into him. Sometimes I don't think anyone gets it. If I fucking KNEW what brought it on, do you actually think I would be doing that? My husband thinks I bring it on myself, my mom thinks it's "just a headache" and I'm sure they'd think that at school too if I offered it up tomorrow to explain my sucky prelab and total lack of giveashit.
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(no subject) [Feb. 20th, 2007|02:28 pm]
Pain in the Neck

eleanor_ramilly
It's been several good weeks. I had one godawful Friday night a few weeks ago, where it started around 11 pm and kept me up all night, finally letting up around 1 the next afternoon. I was hysterical at some point, crying and cussing and basically freaking out. I thought my brain was going to melt out my ears. It was ugly. Chris dragged me out of the house in my pajamas for some food around noon, which I think helped. For some reason, a really high-calorie meal helps. A salad won't do anything, but McDonalds has often helped.

Today has been not so good. It's on the right side, mostly in my face, behind my eye, and somewhat in my jaw. I got lots of sleep last night and worked out yesterday. Have had the normal amount of caffeine. Not sure what's brought it on. I would cut out just about anything if it would do the trick.

But it probably wants feeding, and goddamnit, I've been so vigilant about not eating crap so far this year. It feels like the biggest failure to give into pain. I am being driven half-mad by the throbbing, grinding, twisting sensation behind my eyeball. But it's only pain. It is not going to kill me. I don't HAVE to do anything about it. I know that it would probably loosen up and feel better if I ate something greasy and heavy and fat-producing, but I'll be trading the unpleasantness of the headache for the unpleasantness of feeling like a weak, guilty, pathetic person the rest of the day.

It's so hard to balance. There's no use in eating any of the things that I would allow myself to eat without guilt -- plain vegetables, a SlimFast snack bar, a cup of s-f, f-f cocoa; after dealing with this crap for four years, I know that nothing short of excess works. It has to be a total dietary meltdown, the kind of thing that causes me to weigh an entire pound more tomorrow -- like a Quarter-Pounder combo. And then there's always the possibility that it won't help, and I'll have eaten all that for nothing and still be miserable.

Being a not-naturally-thin person makes everything in this life so much harder, and goddamnit, there are absolutely no balancing benefits.
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(no subject) [Feb. 2nd, 2007|04:44 pm]
Pain in the Neck

eleanor_ramilly
Had MRI today. Never had one before. Disliked the experience a great deal. Also disliked paying $500 for the privilege. I am incredibly clueless about insurance, but I guess $500 is our deductible? I hate dealing with money. Hate it. Even though it wasn't a big deal, just thinking about money things makes me feel literally queasy. Anyway, it's done, and now we can see if the problem has affected my discs, which was one of the suspicions the spinal MD voiced. 

I am feeling so out-of-control angry these days. At everyone. Irrationally angry. I am screaming at other drivers out loud inside my car. This morning I discovered that the cleaning service had murdered my CrockPot by immersing it in water, and I was purple with rage. Over a CrockPot. And nothing is making me feel any better. No matter how much venting I do -- workouts, dog walks, sketching -- the rage is still here. This isn't normal for me. I take things badly, and I sulk, but this kind of continuous choking white fury is not my normal state. I don't even know what anyone could do about it. I don't need to talk it out with some paid professional, I have this. More drugs? Valium or something?
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I can't deal with this. [Jan. 30th, 2007|07:07 pm]
Pain in the Neck

eleanor_ramilly
Went to the doctor today. Cannot deal.

She said -- I asked -- that in her experience, in a young female with this type/volume of pain, from that type of initial injury, I would not "get better." Ever. She used words like "manage" and "adjust" and "function." This is how it is. My fears are confirmed. I really am not going to ever wake up again and feel normal, let alone good. On my way home there was a moment when I eyed a bridge stanchion speculatively, but being a quadriplegic is rather worse, you know?

Then I got home and Chris is impossible. In a nutshell, his response is "Gosh, that's too bad, you should adjust your expectations." Right. Instantly adjust my expectations so that BEING IN PAIN EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN MINUTE OF THE REST OF MY LIFE IS JUST PEACHY. I wanted, with most of my being, to scream "Easy for you to say!" at him, but I didn't. Really, what's the point? I mean, he's right, and the fact that he says it so easily, so painlessly, doesn't make him less right, even if it does make me furious that he can just dismiss the entire thing like that. I don't think I can, though. I mean, how do you experience the sensation of pain as normal? It *exists*. I feel it. It isn't normal. My body keeps insisting it isn't normal. It would be like trying to train your brain and eyes to see dark as light. 

There is an organic, free-range chicken in the refrigerator, and heaps of perfect little organic baby vegetables, procured at great expense. They are all meant to go into a roasting pan and to be drizzled with olive oil -- a "good" fat, right? There is not supposed to be any salt included, because that's bad for you. With this healthy dinner, I was meant to drink unadulterated water, because it's good for you. And then later I'm supposed to brush my teeth with the super-duper electric toothbrush, because that's better for me, and go to bed in time to get eight hours of sleep, for my health. So much effort and expense "for my health" and it all feels pretty damn pointless.

I should be making dinner. I should be studying. I should have gone running today. But I don't want to -- no, it's more that I don't care to. Just. Don't. Care. What's the freaking point, again? One does all this stuff basically for a better life. A higher quality life, presumably. Which I am not going to have no matter what. Why should I fucking bother? 
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(no subject) [Jan. 27th, 2007|01:52 pm]
Pain in the Neck

eleanor_ramilly
1-2. Neck is really tight. Hurts to turn head to sides or touch ear to shoulder, right jaw is tighter than left.
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(no subject) [Jan. 26th, 2007|01:50 pm]
Pain in the Neck

eleanor_ramilly

1-3. Varied through day. Started out 1, progressed through afternoon to 3. Took Fioricet around 6 pm with hot bath and caffeine (Coke). Went back to 1.

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(no subject) [Jan. 25th, 2007|04:00 pm]
Pain in the Neck

eleanor_ramilly
2. Not a lot of pain, but more audible grinding and stiffness than yesterday. Both sides. Jaw less than neck.
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(no subject) [Jan. 24th, 2007|09:28 pm]
Pain in the Neck

eleanor_ramilly
1.

Think maybe because I took an Ambien 5 mg last night and slept So Freaking Well. If I could sleep like that 7 nights a week I might run the world. But one can't be on Ambien forever.
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(no subject) [Jan. 23rd, 2007|05:49 pm]
Pain in the Neck

eleanor_ramilly
Christ, it's ramping up again. That 3 from earlier is working up to a 4. And dinner must still be made. It's times like these that I wish we lived somewhere with delivery. Of anything edible. And I still have to write up my chem prelab for tomorrow.

On left side. Jaw is the main spot. Buzzing across face toward nose, behind eye. Jaw popping every time I open mouth; neck popping about every 10 minutes. Trying another round of Icy Hot.
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(no subject) [Jan. 11th, 2007|03:35 pm]
Pain in the Neck

eleanor_ramilly
Ugh. Max dose of Fioricet not making a dent. Tried hot bath. Feels like bones in neck are literally grinding against each other. Neck and jaw popping every time I move. Sinuses are starting to get stuffy, three hours into this intense wave of pain. It hurts, startling, yelp-worthy pain, to brush my hair because the scalp muscles are so tight.

About to microwave a hot pack and take a Motrin and hope for sleep.

I should get off my ass and call this guy I found by googling who has a combined acupuncture/chiropractic clinic in Wilmington. I bet my ability to pop my neck and jaw and back every couple of minutes will be really impressive. Seriously, something pops around here about 15-20 times an hour, all day long. Freaky, right?

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